no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize