fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm like, not good at living.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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