I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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