Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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