Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
