And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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