There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
