There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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