Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
