sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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