I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
