If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
