It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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