I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
