i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
