The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
