Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize