I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
