LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
