How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
