you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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