some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
