My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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