I think i peed on brittanys purse
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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