Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I had to cum in my sink.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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