mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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