remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
