So drunk its hurt
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
