I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize