i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
