He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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