You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
