She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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