So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
