Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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