his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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