Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
