I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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