You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
