You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
