I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
