I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
