He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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