thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
