I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
