I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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