The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
