Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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