Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
