instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
