I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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