i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
