why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
