I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
