Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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