he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
